When God Begins Changing More Than Your Circumstances

The Unexpected Spiritual Transformation That Followed The Loss

Life’s trials have a way of showing us what really matters. Grief changed me in many obvious ways, but one of the biggest shifts has been my relationship with Yahweh and the way I read and understand the Bible.

You see, before COVID and Kevin’s diagnosis, which occurred simultaneously, I claimed to be a follower of Christ, but I wasn’t actually living in obedience to what He taught. I identified as a Christian and thought that going to church fulfilled my obligation.

I wasn’t out purposely trying to hurt people or live as a terrible person, but I justified a lot of my behavior because I was self-focused and assumed I’d be forgiven anyway. The truth is, I didn’t understand what it meant to live according to Scripture in my everyday life.

Next came the trials of 2020, and I suddenly didn’t know where else to turn except to God. Something inside of me told me that He was the answer. I started praying for provision and healing and turned to reading my Bible.

I was seeking hope and answers, and I learned to be truly thankful for all of his blessings and opportunities for new treatments for Kevin. I honestly believed that He would heal Kevin this side of death, and I found that my faith proved stronger than doubt.

​In hindsight, although I was deferring to God and offering Him my praise, I realize that I was actually putting most of my hope in the treatments that were working for so many. I believed that each regimen held the cure for Kevin’s cancer. I had also cherry-picked verses out of the Bible that supported my belief that Kevin would be healed.

​God had other plans. Kevin didn’t survive his cancer, and I was left confused after believing the opposite for so long. I really had been in a spiritual battle during those cancer years between God’s Word and what the world said about healing.

​When Kevin died, I realized that pain doesn’t just change your circumstances; it changes you. It exposes what your faith was truly tied to. Mine was being refined in ways I didn’t yet understand. My loss forced me to talk with God more honestly than ever before. I let go of surface-level faith and started learning the truth.

​I slowly started to re-focus and found myself becoming spiritually hungry. I wanted truth more than comfort. I no longer wanted verses that just made me feel better; I wanted to understand God’s character and instructions. I needed to understand what He truly wants for us. My brokenness in grief is what instigated all of this enlightenment and allowed for a greater transformation.

​The Beginning of a Deeper Discovery

One day, an acquaintance of mine contacted me and said she’d been following my story online. She said she really felt the pull to meet with me, but neither of us really understood the purpose. What grew out of that meeting was a beautiful friendship and an awakening to the truth.

Through a Torah Study that my friend initiated, I began to learn more from the first couple of chapters of Genesis than I’d learned my entire life. Studying Scripture with so much emphasis on the Torah created a new excitement in me, and I couldn’t learn fast enough. The Bible began connecting with me in ways it hadn’t before.

Loving God Means More Than Believing in Him

There is a significant difference between cultural Christianity and Torah-observant Christianity. I was taken back to the Hebrew roots of the Bible and learned how important it is to notice the culture and language of the times. I learned that reading the Bible goes well beyond simply reading. It’s about opening your mind and letting it speak to you and show you what God wants you to see at that moment.

As I really started to see God’s character, obedience became more meaningful to me. I learned the truth about the Sabbath and the feast days, and I felt angry because most churches don’t teach us about their significance.

Consequently, I am now transitioning into observing the Sabbaths and other feast days in obedience to God.

As my faith increased, I’ve learned that loving God goes beyond belief; it’s expressed through obedience to His Word. That obedience includes keeping God’s appointed times.

Letting Go of Old Traditions

Shifting from the traditional Christian faith to a more Torah-based conviction has been both exciting and difficult. It’s been a big adjustment to observe the actual Sabbath in the way the Bible tells us to because I can’t do the things I usually do on a Saturday.

Recently, my daughter and I had a rummage sale at her house on the weekend, and that was considered work. We aren’t to work on the Sabbath. I felt guilty the entire time because I was being intentionally disobedient.

I also put all of my Christmas decor up for sale because I had decided not to observe that holiday anymore. It’s not a God-ordained Holy day.

We received comments asking if we were giving up on Christmas or turning Jewish. Neither of those is true. I’m choosing to celebrate the Biblical Festivals instead of Christmas and Easter as an act of obedience. God ordained them for the Israelites to observe, and as we’re grafted in, we too are commanded to follow them.

There is a satisfying feeling of your daily reality finally matching the person you have become on the inside.

Growth Can Affect Relationships

These choices can also affect relationships because not everyone is on the same page. Three of my kids aren’t fully aligned with what I’m doing, and I went through a bout of guilt about taking their tradition away.

Sometimes, spiritual growth can create tension between you and your family/friends. It’s important to understand their perspective and realize that it may take them time to adapt. All we can do is navigate our growth with kindness and prayer. We can still love those closest to us without sacrificing our beliefs. Fortunately, in my case, my kids have been generally accepting of my changes, and I hope to introduce them to the Feast days as I celebrate them.

What I’ve Gained

Although this faith transition has been met with some resistance, it’s worth all of it. I have gained:

Deeper reverence for God

A greater understanding of Scripture

Intentional living

Peace

Conviction

Closeness with God

I’m still learning and growing, but I know this walk has created a closer relationship with God, more intention as to how I live, and more awareness of what it truly means to love Him.

This has also helped me in my grief because it’s given my pain greater purpose. It’s confirmed that even trials can draw us closer to God instead of farther from Him. Losing Kevin changed my life in significant ways, but it also created a curiosity that intensified my relationship with Yahweh. The heaviest part is that I’m doing this without Kevin.

Sometimes God doesn’t just change our circumstances through pain. Sometimes, He changes us.

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